My stomach just did a back flip…
Funny how misreading a word or phrase could elicit such a physical response. I had to go back and read it over again. What I thought I had read, wasn’t there. But that fear of I thought I had seen remains.
~RyeNCode~
In life, we must make decisions to set our course. We cannot sit back and let the wind be our sole guide; the wind is not strong enough to move a life, it can merely suggest. In a perfect world, all decisions would be made with full knowledge of it’s effects, and the knowledge of what not making that decision would mean. It would be a boring world. Instead we live in a world where we can only know so much, and the consequences of our decisions cannot be fully known. I would say that in most cases we don’t have a clue as to the future results of our decisions.
So how do we make decisions without knowing what will come of them? We have to go on feel. Our best guesses based on what we do know, based on what we suspect, and a dash hope against the odds. It is easy enough to be frightened into inaction… not stepping forward into the unknown. Who doesn’t want to wait to wait and gather a little more intelligence before taking action? And wait a little longer… and suddenly the opportunity to decide is gone. Circumstance or Someone else has made the decision for you.
I’ve been trapped into inaction by uncertainty. Time for change. This is me starting to make decisions on what I think I want. No, I’m not sure. I don’t always have a clear path in front of me. I will trip and fall at times. But I might also get to where I want to be. There is a certain exhilaration in not knowing. Something like running in the dark. Not knowing what is coming next. But dawn is coming.
~RyeNCode~
It just seems like one of those days. Not making decisions, but thinking instead of plans to hatch and plans that failed.
~RyeNCode~
I just read this and I wanted to share.
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/01/21/story-time-jerry-the.html
~RyeNCode~
My dreams are not often remembered at morning.
Rarer still does a nightmare break through to my consciousness.
A nightmare is described as a bad dream. What substance of a bad dream, I believe speaks much to the character of the dreamer. Though in what ways, I’m not qualified to say.
My own nightmares, are not of beasts and demons. What causes me unease in sleep are not creatures that case fear and pain, but rather those IN fear and pain. These creatures take the form of friends, loved ones, and those who are not current in my life.
My most recent nightmare was of someone whom is gone from my life, though far too often fresh in memory. In the dream, she screamed, yelled and cried in pain. Angry word without meaning or form. Though I could not make sense of the sounds, their cause was clear. It was my own existence that was the cause for her suffering.
These are my nightmares.
With a December black psalm
And the night mare rides on
~RyeNCode~
This is a strange time of year for me. It seems to me that the major points of interest in my recent romantic history have taken place in the first couple of months of the year.
These events of the past have drastically shaped my present. Waking me up, stirring the pot just enough that brought desire back into my life. Teaching me that I can fall, entirely, totally in love (or was it lust) with someone. Showing me that I too can be loved (or lusted after.)
Those are the good things.
I’m also reminded that things that start out looking like they could never go wrong, often do. That a mistake, or rash action can ruin a good thing. That sometimes perseverance isn’t always the best course of action.
Through out all that, I’ve learned. Or I hope I have.
I confess that I’d been spoiled by you. From then on I have found no one that holds a candle to you. No one else that had me in rapture. Everyone else is, at best, a substitute for your memory.
Where are you now? Are you safe? Are you happy? Do you remember me at all? If you do, what emotions does my memory conjure?
I will never know these things. But I can answer them.
I’m where I was, but I’m not stationary. I’m safe as I can be. I can be happy, but I’m not whole. I remember you often. When I do, I try and feel happy for the times we had, but mostly I feel sad for the times we didn’t have a chance to have.
~RyeNCode~
The clock, ticking. This is what the female biological imperative to reproduce is described as when it is manifest in the consciousness of the being. The desire to produce offspring.
Men get that too.
Approaching the 3o year mark, seeing it rise up ahead of me, I’m reminded of the time left to me. Also seeing the children of my friends. Their youthfulness, their joys and sorrows. Holding, really holding a baby (Thanks Clair for being such a good kid)… tick tick.
I’ve been told by others that know me well that I would make a great father. This used to frighten me because I did not believe it myself. Now this is more of an encouragement.
There are many ways to become a father. But I would want to do the parenting with a partner, my partner and wife. This person whom I may not know yet, but who is somehow the most important person in my life.
Keep your eye out for me, and I will look for you.
~RyeNCode~
I’m going to see Muse & Silversun Pickups live here in the (nearby) city where I live.
I’m super excited, but not just for myself. I’ve invited 3 of my favorite friends that I know will also greatly enjoy the show. That is what makes me most excited.
I wouldn’t want to go if I couldn’t share it with people who are important to me.
I have a couple of extra tickets too for SOs or other people. Aren’t I thoughtful?
~ RyeNCode ~
Everyone needs a listener. Someone to talk to who listens. Listens to you when you are happy and when you are sad. Listens when you have nothing to say, or everything. The listener is not there to judge, but will give opinions when asked or needed. The listener is trusted to keep what is said private. The listener might not agree but it is not their job to agree or disagree… but to listen.
I’m a listener.
This is not an easy role to play. It sounds passive and uncomplicated. People who have not listened could think that you just sit and hear words spoken… walk away when done. But hearing is not listening. Listening require understanding and empathy. You must be able to imagine yourself in the speaker’s shoes, feel what they feel. Their pain, their joy becomes yours.
This is an emotionally taxing role to play. It is more so when you yourself have any kind of emotional investment in the speaker. Friends, family, enemies, role models, ex-boy/girlfriends and crushes. Trying to be more or less objective is near impossible.
Why do I do this? It is because it is who I am. For my friends I will be a listener. I believe it enriches their lives to be able to speak freely, without fear of judgement. It has a cathartic quality, getting things off your chest, speaking your thoughts out loud to someone can help you see a situation more clearly. Echoing back what was said can clear up confusion and misunderstandings. Truths you did not know that you knew become evident.
I also have listeners. Not one, but many. For reasons best left unsaid, I cannot fully confide in any one listener. So I have more than one. Across them, I can approach near full disclosure. But the desire for a Full Listener there… the one you can and do tell everything to.
Keeping my eye out, and ears open.
~RyeNCode~