There have been lots of times in my life where I have felt guilty. I can say that many of these time It was justified. I was guilty of something. But not all.
Having been raised in a catholic environment, all be it not a strongly practicing one, the concept of guilt was ingrained by the religion of my society. There was guilt before being born, in the act of being conceived even. Growing up I learned to feel guilt for things I’m not guilty of. Shedding myself of unearned guilt has been an ongoing process. It is not nearly complete and may never be.
I don’t like feeling guilty. If I could put a physical sensation to it, it would be like being having a stuffy nose, not being able to blow it, and then getting the chills. Yet I allow myself to feel guilty for things that I should not feel guilty for.
But recently… due to a set of events, I have been prodded into feeling guilty for making friends, and for being a good friend. This makes me sick. This is the last thing anyone should feel guilty for.
Today I choose not to feel guilty for being a friend.
No I don’t believe I’m a villain (but that is what villains believe.) I think I’m one of the good guys. Not a hero, just one of the good guys. I make mistakes, and some times do thinks that aren’t so good. Sometimes those aren’t mistakes. Such if life, absolutes rarely exist. Trying to live by absolute values is exercise in frustration. At some point we all be come hypocrites. Maybe because we learn something new and are forced to change our understanding of the world. Maybe the world changes, maybe we do. This isn’t evil by design, it is life.
We disappoint, covet, hate, take without asking, give nothing in return. Humans do this.
We care, love, cherish, give charity with no expectation of reward. Humans do this.
… I wonder if I am the villain of the story. I don’t feel that I am, but most villains don’t see themselves that way. They think they are the hero. That what they do is right and good. I know I’m not always good. Yep, I’m bad sometimes. And I don’t mean the bad-boy type of bad. No I mean the type of bad that all humans practice daily. The kind we do to each other, our friends, enemies, strangers. I just don’t know.
I want to clear something up from last post.
I’m not planning in any way of giving up any of my friendships I have now. I meant that I’m branching out.
My friends are my friends because I love them and I feel my life is greater for their parts in it.
Yes.
Right now I feel as though I’m missing something. Something is lacking in my life, or maybe something that I should be aware of but am not. What is it? I have some theories: security in my financial matters, intimate relations, meaningful close companionship, a feeling of meaning. Who knows what else.
Am I complaining? No. Well ya, I guess I am. You know what they say: If you are unhappy with where you are, get off your ass. To be fair I am trying to change where I am in life.
I’m trying to find a new job. Admittedly not very hard. Momentum counts for objects at rest too. I’ve been at my job for a long time. I’m good at it. I’ve more or less learned to deal with the monumental amounts of bull shit. I’m paid OK. The drive to leave it and find something different is not strong enough. My search’s have been opportunistic, and half ass’d. Currently I have a lead in on another job but the ball is in their court and I’m stuck waiting.
I haven’t had an intimate encounter in a while. Ant it was a while before that. And even longer before that. You know you don’t get out much when you count the time between sexual events in multiples of years. I’m not frigid, just timid to start. Also for a long time I just didn’t respond to my own desires. Waking up to that again I’m in danger of jumping at the first opportunity that arrives, even if its not the healthy choice. That in and of itself is a self-limiter for me. I guess right now, finding someone to have trust with is the key.
I’m looking for that too. I’ve become better at dealing with the failures. That is the rejections, or worse. Before, I was too afraid to even try due to a paralyzing fear of the rejection. That fear is still there, but I’m more able to deal with it. It isn’t the end of the word. Just that opportunity. And even then, maybe not.
My friends are great. I love them dearly. But none of them can fill that role of being close. And I don’t mean in the sense of the above two paragraphs. In this case I mean close as in someone to hold. To fall asleep in their arms or you in theirs. That deeper companionship beyond just a physical, sexual encounter. This is the source of loneliness. I’m looking. Same as above as I would really like to find that closeness along with the sexual desire & willingness. What a great combination that would be huh?
As far as the sense of meaning to life? Well I’m on that path too. Being an atheist since childhood (and yes it was my own choice) had served me well. For the longest time the only options as far as spirituality that were apparent were your Catholic and Christian flavors, Islamic tradition, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and so on. Your major world religions. Such things as New age spiritualism and the pagan flavor of Wicca and Satanism etc. seemed like toy games given the people I knew who “followed” them.
A friend of mine told me about her husband. He was exploring a pagan structure of modern Druidism. For a long time this was a novelty to me. Having a friend that was a druid. Sounds kitsch, yes? Over time I found myself wondering what that meant, what following that path was like and in what way it affected the life of this man. Asking, I received some introductory materials to read. I was very simply floored by what I read. In many ways the core beliefs were those that I already held. Not so much in the spiritual way, but definitely in the the path is structured and the way in which it relates to the world.
On investigating further, I found that I wanted to try this path. It was a huge step for me, the atheist who has argued against religion and superstition in favor of hard science. What does it mean when that person looks to the spirit world with open eyes? I don’t know. All I can say is so far, I’m following this path of modern druidry and I like the results. I like me better for it. If that isn’t a step forward in personal meaning, I don’t know what is.
So as it seems, I do have empty spaces. But I’m trying to fill those, and hopefully not with a false fullness. Something need more work, some need to be left to run their course. I hope to see you along the way.
A few weeks ago I tried ordering a phone from virgin mobile to replace the existing phone I had from them. By last week it still hadn’t arrived. WTF?! OK, so I used their online contact form to see if I could get some answers. This had worked great before when I had an issue changing some profile information. Not this time.
A couple of days with no response and I decide to call their support line. Best the dude could do was say they had no record of the transaction. Um, I have a credit card transaction entry number in front of me on my digital statement. I give him the details and he says he forwarded it off to billing and to expect to be contacted in twenty four to forty eight hours. Fine ok.
Tuesday morning (today) I call again. Same spiel. Another 24-48 hours. I let them know that is not acceptable customer service. I also will be off grid in a couple of days for over a week. The cut off for contesting the charge with master card would fall in that span. I let them know that If I could not get resolution that I would be contesting the charge. They refused to transfer me to billing so I could deal with it directly. They refused to do anything else such as try.
So I contested the charge. I feel as though I made a good and patient effort to get resolution. I hope MC agrees.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/plush/c534/
I want one… or more. So cute!
And I don’t mean loosing my shorts… :p
Had a good time visiting the parents and attending a birthday bash for Kareena. I get to go back up to Red Deer later again this week for a short stop over before going to the mountains.
This will be a fast week I think, but busy. Hope for the best and make it happen.
When I buy something like shoes, I do it because the shoes I had before don’t work anymore, or do not meet a functional purpose which I expect to need in the future. I have not ever bought “the cutest shoes!” or “these will go great with that outfit” nor I have I purchased a “these will make Becky jealous.” As a male, we just don’t think like that.
The male thought process for planned purchase goes something like this:
For an impulse purchase it goes like this:
Note that step 2 & 3 above are optional and only apply to “responsible” people.
I suspect this is slightly different than the standard female purchasing methods. But what do I know.
Ps: I just got some great new shoes.
As children we are encouraged to learn to accept the differences of others. At least that is the preferred image of our culture. The idea that the kid sitting next to you in grade school might be of a different skin colour, different heritage or religion, might have a different family structure or not speak your language as clearly are all points that we are supposed to accept, and tolerate. This is intended so that we can all live more or less without conflict and can work together.
Reality being what it is, children are taught to accept what is different than themselves but only as long as it isn’t too different. This xenophobia is natural to our species. From a biology & societal point of view, embracing small differences but rejecting wider separation from the ‘norm’ is healthy and natural. Shunning the mutant or the invading outsider protects your own genetic group and culture. This rejection of larger differences is something children have to begin with and often parents and teachers reinforce it with their own actions and behaviors.
As adults, this tendency to stay comfortable within your own cultural and genetic grouping is as strong as ever. I see it everywhere. On the train to work, in the shopping centers, in the work place. People who look and act alike will congregate together. If there is no one who resembles you or acts the similarly then an outsider is born.
For most people being an outsider is not fun. You are see as less human by others. It becomes easier to be treated as an animal, not worthy of basic respect. This can drive people to avoid becoming an outsider by any means possible. Pressure to fit into the greater group can lead to suffocating your own true self, sacrificing who you are to become what you think others expect you to be. Maybe you just hide your true self and never let anyone else know.
I’m still trying to get over this. I was never very good at fitting in as a youth. I was different, though to this day I don’t understand what was so different about me. Leaning to put on a mask and become someone else is not easy and it took a long time. The end result was that when I did learn, I was not happy. The mask I wore was wrong for me. It was kind of like putting vinegar and baking soda into a pop bottle and shaking it up. Eventually the pop bottle couldn’t hold the pressure anymore and failed structurally.
For me this failure was not a Pop! or a Bang! For me it was more of a high pressure leak. It took some time and it was painful. At the end I figured out the mask had to go. Leaning to discover my true self again. It had been a long time since my true self was fully aware. I was a child the last time I knew the true Ryan. Now I’m an adult and the True Ryan now was a bit of a stranger.
I’m more the true Ryan now than I was last year. More than the year before, and more than yesterday. Do I fit in now with the greater group? In some ways, in others I’m still fringe. On the edge isn’t bad, its just different. I like some things that are not generally accepted as normal to the common society of the day. But each day I see the fringe grow, becoming more aware in the eyes of the normals.
Years ago, being a Geek of any sort was immediate justification for wedgies and ongoing put downs from your peers, and don’t forget that it was your fault for being different. Being Geek today is different. We still aren’t the most popular kid at the party, but the number of wedgies received is a bit lower now. That and the Jock knows he needs to keep a geek friend happy to fix his laptop when it doesn’t work anymore.
I’m not coming back from the fringe, I’m setting up shop. The normals are coming to us now.