Yes.
Right now I feel as though I’m missing something. Something is lacking in my life, or maybe something that I should be aware of but am not. What is it? I have some theories: security in my financial matters, intimate relations, meaningful close companionship, a feeling of meaning. Who knows what else.
Am I complaining? No. Well ya, I guess I am. You know what they say: If you are unhappy with where you are, get off your ass. To be fair I am trying to change where I am in life.
I’m trying to find a new job. Admittedly not very hard. Momentum counts for objects at rest too. I’ve been at my job for a long time. I’m good at it. I’ve more or less learned to deal with the monumental amounts of bull shit. I’m paid OK. The drive to leave it and find something different is not strong enough. My search’s have been opportunistic, and half ass’d. Currently I have a lead in on another job but the ball is in their court and I’m stuck waiting.
I haven’t had an intimate encounter in a while. Ant it was a while before that. And even longer before that. You know you don’t get out much when you count the time between sexual events in multiples of years. I’m not frigid, just timid to start. Also for a long time I just didn’t respond to my own desires. Waking up to that again I’m in danger of jumping at the first opportunity that arrives, even if its not the healthy choice. That in and of itself is a self-limiter for me. I guess right now, finding someone to have trust with is the key.
I’m looking for that too. I’ve become better at dealing with the failures. That is the rejections, or worse. Before, I was too afraid to even try due to a paralyzing fear of the rejection. That fear is still there, but I’m more able to deal with it. It isn’t the end of the word. Just that opportunity. And even then, maybe not.
My friends are great. I love them dearly. But none of them can fill that role of being close. And I don’t mean in the sense of the above two paragraphs. In this case I mean close as in someone to hold. To fall asleep in their arms or you in theirs. That deeper companionship beyond just a physical, sexual encounter. This is the source of loneliness. I’m looking. Same as above as I would really like to find that closeness along with the sexual desire & willingness. What a great combination that would be huh?
As far as the sense of meaning to life? Well I’m on that path too. Being an atheist since childhood (and yes it was my own choice) had served me well. For the longest time the only options as far as spirituality that were apparent were your Catholic and Christian flavors, Islamic tradition, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and so on. Your major world religions. Such things as New age spiritualism and the pagan flavor of Wicca and Satanism etc. seemed like toy games given the people I knew who “followed” them.
A friend of mine told me about her husband. He was exploring a pagan structure of modern Druidism. For a long time this was a novelty to me. Having a friend that was a druid. Sounds kitsch, yes? Over time I found myself wondering what that meant, what following that path was like and in what way it affected the life of this man. Asking, I received some introductory materials to read. I was very simply floored by what I read. In many ways the core beliefs were those that I already held. Not so much in the spiritual way, but definitely in the the path is structured and the way in which it relates to the world.
On investigating further, I found that I wanted to try this path. It was a huge step for me, the atheist who has argued against religion and superstition in favor of hard science. What does it mean when that person looks to the spirit world with open eyes? I don’t know. All I can say is so far, I’m following this path of modern druidry and I like the results. I like me better for it. If that isn’t a step forward in personal meaning, I don’t know what is.
So as it seems, I do have empty spaces. But I’m trying to fill those, and hopefully not with a false fullness. Something need more work, some need to be left to run their course. I hope to see you along the way.