On Facebook I’ve use the application “Honest Box” to ask a question. Through a response, and my reply, and back… someone, who’s identity I do not know, said they were curious as to why i’m shy. Through further responses they said they had not seen me in about four years. This threw me a little.
Who are you… who hasn’t seen me in four years, to comment on me now?
Do you honestly think that I am today the same person I was four years ago? I would guess that then, maybe I would be seen as being static, stationary, unchanging. How things have changed. I am still me, but I am very much not the me I was four years ago. I’m not even the me I was 4 months ago for that matter.
Yet, who are you? Really… Do I dare ask you to reveal yourself? Would you if I did ask? Would it matter?
In reality: No, I don’t want to know your Identity. Your opinion of me is your own. If you wanted me to know you held it, you would tell me to my face I should hope. Maybe you have. Maybe I wasn’t able to understand at the time. Didn’t know the language, the dialect you used. A different me, today might understand.
Maybe you lied. Maybe you do know me today. Perhaps you see me more often than you let on. I doubt this the case. In anonymity, what is the benefit to a lie?
I won’t lie: Your curiosity about why I am shy… it bothers me. I have lost sleep because of the implied question. Why am I shy?
As I responded to you’re anonymous inquiry I stated that I’m not what I was. I don’t see myself as shy, or at least not as shy. I said that sometimes my quietness can be seen as shyness, choosing not to speak when nothing of value is to be said, not speaking just to have my voice heard along with every other annoying extrovert.
I also said that I had initially intended to respond with reasons why I think I am shy, but that I chose not to. These reasons sounded like excuses. I don’t want to make excuses.
I am what I am, and that changes over time. Sometimes the changes are slow and I appear to be standing still. Sometimes the changes occur fast and you would miss the transition if you blinked. I choose not to make excuses for who I am, or who I was.
Anonymous From The Past, If you are curious as to why I was shy… I would hope that perhaps you might be curious as to what I have become instead. Focus less on what was, more on what is and what will come.
The past is good for learning from, but after that… move on. Apply what you have learned to what comes next.
How would you feel if I told you that it was you who I dream of
Now and then when I feel most alone, I secretly imagine resting in your arms.
For a while, I feel a fleeting comfort. All too quickly my senses remind me it’s not real.
Could you, for a while hold me tight? We could pretend that everything is alright.
Would you, forgive me for wanting this of you?
For never telling you?
I’m not a happy man these days.
Actually right now, I’m rather angry. I’m angry at a “friend” of mine. This friend lied to me a while ago and the truth has been revealed to me. Normally a lie between friends is not too much, some white lie to smooth over something not overly important. This one, however, is no small lie.
This was a time of social unrest in our circle of friends. Accusations were made, lines were drawn. My friend had been accused of fornication with another friend’s female of desire. I had asked my friend straight out: Did you do what you were accused of? ”No” was his response. And I believed him. I defended him. The Wronged man broke off contact. I haven’t hear from him since. A childhood friendship was dissolved in the course of a week.
That was two years ago. Two days ago, in conversation with some other friends, the truth came out. I was lied to, and I defended a guilty man against a wronged man. I feel sick. I was lied to and I was used.
All I can say right now is, I’m glad that I have been on the path to distancing myself from this person for a time already.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt.
I don’t often remember my dreams. So when I do, I pay attention.
This morning I woke to a remembered dream, clear in my memory (for what parts of dreams can be remembered clearly.) It was a good dream to have. It was a confusing dream to remember.
I sometimes wonder if the dreams we have truly are a reflection of our subconscious. Carl Jung has his opinion. I wonder if it is possible for dreams to be portent to events yet to happen, or eventualities within reach given the right actions. I wonder if perhaps dreams are just the natural entropy of the brain allowed to wreak havoc without the watchdog of the conscious mind.
The dream I had could have implications beyond the point of waking. Depending, of course, if you subscribe to some of the theories above.
My choice is to enjoy the dream for what it was, enjoy its memory but not see it as anything but a dream. ”The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used herein are fictitious and any resemblance to the names, character, or history of any person is coincidental and unintentional.”
Yesterday I informed my flat-mate that I’m going to be looking to move out and get my own place. I don’t feel that revelation was well received.
From his point of view I’m sure I appear to be abandoning our friendship, abandoning him. Not quite the case, but I can I understand how he might feel that way. We have been roomies for the last 5 years. That is a long time. I value his friendship, and want to keep that. Part of keeping that friendship is one of the reasons why I need to move out on my own.
Familiarity breeds contempt.
Living with a significant other there are compromises you agree to in order to maintain your relationship. My flat-mate isn’t an SO. He is a friend. This means the compromises made are to a much lesser degree. Neither of us can be willing to submit to the will of the other to the same degree that SO’s would. Its a matter of ego, pride, and self identity.
Over the last couple of years my own ego and self identity has strengthened. Become more resistant to subjugation and more insistent on its own expression. I think what has been building has been a silent battle of ego between my flat-mate and myself. A cold-war if you will.
I have taken the first step of ending the battle by initiating retreat from the battlefield. Co-habitation is not a long term winning strategy. This stage of life has run its course. Flogging a deceased equine as it it were.
Sadly I don’t expect my soon to be former flat-mate to be in agreement. I expect his actions will be of a aggressive and hostile nature. I have reason to suspect that he has already made up his mind to be a douche-bag and cause as much headache as possible. I’ll be disappointed, but not entirely surprised by this. It really does fit his behavior model however.
Lets hope for the following 1) minimal issues ‘getting out’ of the current place. 2) able to find a new place 3) friendship can be kept, even though changes must take place.
Quite often I have seen or heard the response of “Too much time on their hands” with regard to someone having taken the time to do something cool. Sometimes that ‘cool’ thing has been the creation of an elaborate Rube Goldberg style contraption, making a mechanical binary counting device, building a robot that plays your iPod’s Rock Band, or something else that has little utility to the world as a whole but is very neat!
Sure, these projects might not save humanity from a plague. They might not save time, money or effort. But they were engaging for the person(s) working on them, and to at least someone who gained entertainment or interest from seeing what someone else was able to do.
I think that the people who create, or do these wonderful things don’t have nearly enough time on their hands. If they can do what they do with the meager means and time they have while taking care of a family, working jobs, going to school and otherwise doing the same things you and I do… just think of what they could do with MORE time on their hands.
The desire to play, create, and do things just to see if we can do it… that is learning, experimentation, invention distilled down to it’s core. The desire or need to find out something new, discover the old, synthesize a new reality and step forth to make the world a more interesting place.
To the makers: Let your imaginations run wild.
~
So I’ve been on an extended break from a specific for-pay matchmaking/dating website featured prominently in TV commercials and other marketing.
I have decided to return. However I do so under condition that I can re-take the initial personality profile questionnaire. This was granted by their customer support minions. My next step would be to re-take this quiz and re-make my visible profile, finally turning on matching again and see who pops up.
Here is some history of myself Vs. The Quiz. In round one, I took on the quiz solo. Me versus the quiz mono-a-mono. For all intents and purposes I failed. I wasn’t previously aware that one could fail a personality profile quiz, but as it turns out it is possible. In this case the results of the quiz placed me in a category that is not able to be serviced by this particular dating site. Their computer matching algorithms would be unable to satisfactorily match me with other people.
Round Two took place some time later. This time I followed in the footsteps of a friend and enlisted a female friend to assist me with the quiz. That is she asked me the questions and based on my answers and what she knew of me, skewed the responses one way of the other. This time the system allowed me access and granted me the opportunity to pay for computerized match-making.
Success from this point is a difficult thing to quantify. Overall success has not been achieved as I am currently not in a significant-other relationship or even potential SO relationship. There were one or two points along the path from there to here that were highlighted as short lived successes. Temporarily held highs of emotion and promise. Fleeting to be sure, but none the less memorable.
Now back to the present. Again I am faced with this quiz that decides how I am to be matched with potential mates. Or perhaps I will again be denied services. Do I choose to go it alone or to again enlist the knowing tweaking of a friendly female?