This morning I removed the last of my things from the condo. These were the things I was sleeping on or in. I took the mail box key and the door key off my key chain, and put them on the counter. I walked around one last time to make sure that I wasn’t leaving anything behind. I locked myself out.
It wasn’t my home anymore. It will be someone else’s now.
I will get keys to my new home Tuesday. Until the I’m a vagabond.
If you’re small and on a search
I’ve got a feeder for you to perch onI like birds – The Eels
I’ve been fighting a funk feeling for most of the day. That feeling that I’m headed into a funk, a period of depression, not crippling, just nagging. Right at the moment I feel like I should be crying over something, but I don’t know what, and I don’t know why.
I suspect the increasing emptiness of the condo as we progressively move more and more stuff out into storage is a factor. There are a few other things going on that could also be contributing to my melancholy. Issues of unrequited… desire I’m sure don’t help.
I haven’t visited my parents for a while and I miss them very much. I had planned to visit them next weekend, but something came up and I might not get a chance to see them… maybe. I’m thinking right now that maybe I do need to visit the home-turf just to shed some mental cruft/kipple. A mini-vacation, get some coffee with long absent friends, reconnect with another perhaps.
Stop now before it’s too late
I’m eating in the ghetto on a hundred dollar plate
Nothing lasts forever that’s the way it’s gotta be
There’s a great black wave in the middle of the sea-Black Wave – Arcade Fire
This thought came to me today as I’ve just dealt with two charitable actions.
I’m not a volunteer by nature. Its not my style; I’m happy to let those who enjoy it, run with it. Instead I’m more likely to donate to a cause that a friend is canvasing for or supporting. Often the amount I’m willing to give surprises my friends.
At the end of it, I’m a little shorter of cash. But I feel so much better about life when I get the thanks for donations. I feel even better when I get to hear more direct results such as the ability to buy more food for a food drive.
I realize you can’t buy Karma. I’m pretty sure any attempts to do so work in an inverse way. That is not my intention… I’m really very selfish as I’m out for that feel good feeling I get. Any actual good my donations allow is purely a by-product.
I’ve given the following advice before:
You are not responsible for anyone Else’s happiness except for your own.
This was for a friend of mine who needed to take time for himself, give himself priority. Thankfully I believe he has done this and the results are awesome.
Today I need to take a bit of my own advice. I think the converse is true.
Your happiness cannot be the responsibility of anyone but yourself.
For me this means not waiting for someone else to make me happy. Not waiting for other people to make decisions that I want them to make. I need to make the moves that bring me to what I want. If what I want becomes unattainable… make it so that it is. (Either by abandoning the previous want in favor of a new want, or by making the want attainable)
Its not easy to take responsibility. It is very easy to say that X didn’t happen because Soandso didn’t play along; Soandso made this mistake; Soandso was at fault. Well what did I do?
No, not anymore. Now it has to be X did happen becaus RYAN played along; because RYAN did things right; because RYAN made it happen.
The above comic reminds us that as adults, we can play too.
“Because we are grownups now, and its our turn to decide what that means.”
So with me on the cusp of getting my own house… this leaves me wondering…. where do I get play-pen balls in bulk?