It just seems like one of those days. Not making decisions, but thinking instead of plans to hatch and plans that failed.
~RyeNCode~
I just read this and I wanted to share.
http://www.boingboing.net/2010/01/21/story-time-jerry-the.html
~RyeNCode~
My dreams are not often remembered at morning.
Rarer still does a nightmare break through to my consciousness.
A nightmare is described as a bad dream. What substance of a bad dream, I believe speaks much to the character of the dreamer. Though in what ways, I’m not qualified to say.
My own nightmares, are not of beasts and demons. What causes me unease in sleep are not creatures that case fear and pain, but rather those IN fear and pain. These creatures take the form of friends, loved ones, and those who are not current in my life.
My most recent nightmare was of someone whom is gone from my life, though far too often fresh in memory. In the dream, she screamed, yelled and cried in pain. Angry word without meaning or form. Though I could not make sense of the sounds, their cause was clear. It was my own existence that was the cause for her suffering.
These are my nightmares.
With a December black psalm
And the night mare rides on
~RyeNCode~
This is a strange time of year for me. It seems to me that the major points of interest in my recent romantic history have taken place in the first couple of months of the year.
These events of the past have drastically shaped my present. Waking me up, stirring the pot just enough that brought desire back into my life. Teaching me that I can fall, entirely, totally in love (or was it lust) with someone. Showing me that I too can be loved (or lusted after.)
Those are the good things.
I’m also reminded that things that start out looking like they could never go wrong, often do. That a mistake, or rash action can ruin a good thing. That sometimes perseverance isn’t always the best course of action.
Through out all that, I’ve learned. Or I hope I have.
I confess that I’d been spoiled by you. From then on I have found no one that holds a candle to you. No one else that had me in rapture. Everyone else is, at best, a substitute for your memory.
Where are you now? Are you safe? Are you happy? Do you remember me at all? If you do, what emotions does my memory conjure?
I will never know these things. But I can answer them.
I’m where I was, but I’m not stationary. I’m safe as I can be. I can be happy, but I’m not whole. I remember you often. When I do, I try and feel happy for the times we had, but mostly I feel sad for the times we didn’t have a chance to have.
~RyeNCode~
The clock, ticking. This is what the female biological imperative to reproduce is described as when it is manifest in the consciousness of the being. The desire to produce offspring.
Men get that too.
Approaching the 3o year mark, seeing it rise up ahead of me, I’m reminded of the time left to me. Also seeing the children of my friends. Their youthfulness, their joys and sorrows. Holding, really holding a baby (Thanks Clair for being such a good kid)… tick tick.
I’ve been told by others that know me well that I would make a great father. This used to frighten me because I did not believe it myself. Now this is more of an encouragement.
There are many ways to become a father. But I would want to do the parenting with a partner, my partner and wife. This person whom I may not know yet, but who is somehow the most important person in my life.
Keep your eye out for me, and I will look for you.
~RyeNCode~
I’m going to see Muse & Silversun Pickups live here in the (nearby) city where I live.
I’m super excited, but not just for myself. I’ve invited 3 of my favorite friends that I know will also greatly enjoy the show. That is what makes me most excited.
I wouldn’t want to go if I couldn’t share it with people who are important to me.
I have a couple of extra tickets too for SOs or other people. Aren’t I thoughtful?
~ RyeNCode ~
Everyone needs a listener. Someone to talk to who listens. Listens to you when you are happy and when you are sad. Listens when you have nothing to say, or everything. The listener is not there to judge, but will give opinions when asked or needed. The listener is trusted to keep what is said private. The listener might not agree but it is not their job to agree or disagree… but to listen.
I’m a listener.
This is not an easy role to play. It sounds passive and uncomplicated. People who have not listened could think that you just sit and hear words spoken… walk away when done. But hearing is not listening. Listening require understanding and empathy. You must be able to imagine yourself in the speaker’s shoes, feel what they feel. Their pain, their joy becomes yours.
This is an emotionally taxing role to play. It is more so when you yourself have any kind of emotional investment in the speaker. Friends, family, enemies, role models, ex-boy/girlfriends and crushes. Trying to be more or less objective is near impossible.
Why do I do this? It is because it is who I am. For my friends I will be a listener. I believe it enriches their lives to be able to speak freely, without fear of judgement. It has a cathartic quality, getting things off your chest, speaking your thoughts out loud to someone can help you see a situation more clearly. Echoing back what was said can clear up confusion and misunderstandings. Truths you did not know that you knew become evident.
I also have listeners. Not one, but many. For reasons best left unsaid, I cannot fully confide in any one listener. So I have more than one. Across them, I can approach near full disclosure. But the desire for a Full Listener there… the one you can and do tell everything to.
Keeping my eye out, and ears open.
~RyeNCode~
On Facebook I’ve use the application “Honest Box” to ask a question. Through a response, and my reply, and back… someone, who’s identity I do not know, said they were curious as to why i’m shy. Through further responses they said they had not seen me in about four years. This threw me a little.
Who are you… who hasn’t seen me in four years, to comment on me now?
Do you honestly think that I am today the same person I was four years ago? I would guess that then, maybe I would be seen as being static, stationary, unchanging. How things have changed. I am still me, but I am very much not the me I was four years ago. I’m not even the me I was 4 months ago for that matter.
Yet, who are you? Really… Do I dare ask you to reveal yourself? Would you if I did ask? Would it matter?
In reality: No, I don’t want to know your Identity. Your opinion of me is your own. If you wanted me to know you held it, you would tell me to my face I should hope. Maybe you have. Maybe I wasn’t able to understand at the time. Didn’t know the language, the dialect you used. A different me, today might understand.
Maybe you lied. Maybe you do know me today. Perhaps you see me more often than you let on. I doubt this the case. In anonymity, what is the benefit to a lie?
I won’t lie: Your curiosity about why I am shy… it bothers me. I have lost sleep because of the implied question. Why am I shy?
As I responded to you’re anonymous inquiry I stated that I’m not what I was. I don’t see myself as shy, or at least not as shy. I said that sometimes my quietness can be seen as shyness, choosing not to speak when nothing of value is to be said, not speaking just to have my voice heard along with every other annoying extrovert.
I also said that I had initially intended to respond with reasons why I think I am shy, but that I chose not to. These reasons sounded like excuses. I don’t want to make excuses.
I am what I am, and that changes over time. Sometimes the changes are slow and I appear to be standing still. Sometimes the changes occur fast and you would miss the transition if you blinked. I choose not to make excuses for who I am, or who I was.
Anonymous From The Past, If you are curious as to why I was shy… I would hope that perhaps you might be curious as to what I have become instead. Focus less on what was, more on what is and what will come.
The past is good for learning from, but after that… move on. Apply what you have learned to what comes next.
~RyeNCode~
How would you feel if I told you that it was you who I dream of
Now and then when I feel most alone, I secretly imagine resting in your arms.
For a while, I feel a fleeting comfort. All too quickly my senses remind me it’s not real.
Could you, for a while hold me tight? We could pretend that everything is alright.
Would you, forgive me for wanting this of you?
For never telling you?
~RyeNCode~
I’m not a happy man these days.
Actually right now, I’m rather angry. I’m angry at a “friend” of mine. This friend lied to me a while ago and the truth has been revealed to me. Normally a lie between friends is not too much, some white lie to smooth over something not overly important. This one, however, is no small lie.
This was a time of social unrest in our circle of friends. Accusations were made, lines were drawn. My friend had been accused of fornication with another friend’s female of desire. I had asked my friend straight out: Did you do what you were accused of? ”No” was his response. And I believed him. I defended him. The Wronged man broke off contact. I haven’t hear from him since. A childhood friendship was dissolved in the course of a week.
That was two years ago. Two days ago, in conversation with some other friends, the truth came out. I was lied to, and I defended a guilty man against a wronged man. I feel sick. I was lied to and I was used.
All I can say right now is, I’m glad that I have been on the path to distancing myself from this person for a time already.
It doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt.
~RyeNCode~