LightDeprived

I have adopted a friend’s cat. The cat’s name is Shadow and she is a sweetie.  Right now she is still not sure about her new home.  She is very timid and has been hiding a lot.  I’m sure once she gets settled in she will love her new home as much as I do.

~RyeNCode~

My nature walk and visit time with my friend /adopted* sister Shelly was great.  I feel 1,000,000 times better than I did yesterday.  And from the sounds of it so does Shelly.

She was able to take some great pictures of the environment there, and some of the 100 or so Elk we seen on the way there and back.  Also she took some pictures that were ruined by my being in them lol.

Thanks Shelly for going out to nature with me.

~RyeNCode~

* not really adopted, just she feels like a sister to me right now , which is pretty cool as I’m an only child.

I’m looking forward to my planned nature walk this evening.

I hope to, with the help of a friend, find Sheep River Falls.  From what I’ve seen the area is beautiful.  I hope getting away from town and being able to talk with my friend will help remove some of this stress and anxiousness I’m carrying.

I hope to renew my relationship with nature this year.  Both through my own exploration into druidism and just working on/in my yard.

~RyeNCode~

need you
dream you
find you
taste you

Dear heart,

It is true I can’t take your pain, though I wish I could.

It is true I don’t know your pain, though I can see how it hurts.

You feel now as though you have no worth.  Please trust that you do.

… a drink

… a confidant

… a vacation

… a lay

… more time

… less stress

… the answers

I don’t have any of those right now.  Some might come later in the day, many won’t.  The one thing I want most is the answers, not for my questions but for my friends who need them more than me.  I wish I could give the answers to ease their minds and solve their woes.  I don’t have them to give.

Not being able to give as much as is needed, as much as I want to give seems to be a common theme for me right now.  It’s a difficult concept to convey properly.  It comes down to “It’s not you, It’s me”.

As much as I love my friends, there are things that I can’t do… not right now anyways.  I have my own demons to battle before anything else.

In the meantime, I ask my friends to be strong, and I try to be there for them.

Terrified of telephones and shopping mall,
and knives, and drowning in the pools of over lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony.
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.

Aside – The Weakerthans

~RyeNCode~

This morning I removed the last of my things from the condo.  These were the things I was sleeping on or in.  I took the mail box key and the door key off my key chain, and put them on the counter.  I walked around one last time to make sure that I wasn’t leaving anything behind.  I locked myself out.

It wasn’t my home anymore.  It will be someone else’s now.

I will get keys to my new home Tuesday. Until the I’m a vagabond.

If you’re small and on a search
I’ve got a feeder for you to perch on

I like birds – The Eels

~RyeNCode~

I’ve been fighting a funk feeling for most of the day.  That feeling that I’m headed into a funk, a period of depression, not crippling, just nagging.  Right at the moment I feel like I should be crying over something, but I don’t know what, and I don’t know why.

I suspect the increasing emptiness of the condo as we progressively move more and more stuff out into storage is a factor.  There are a few other things going on that could also be contributing to my melancholy.  Issues of unrequited… desire I’m sure don’t help.

I haven’t visited my parents for a while and I miss them very much.  I had planned to visit them next weekend, but something came up and I might not get a chance to see them…  maybe.  I’m thinking right now that maybe I do need to visit the home-turf just to shed some mental cruft/kipple.  A mini-vacation, get some coffee with long absent friends, reconnect with another perhaps.

Stop now before it’s too late
I’m eating in the ghetto on a hundred dollar plate
Nothing lasts forever that’s the way it’s gotta be
There’s a great black wave in the middle of the sea

-Black Wave – Arcade Fire

~RyeNCode~

This thought came to me today as I’ve just dealt with two charitable actions.

I’m not a volunteer by nature.  Its not my style; I’m happy to let those who enjoy it, run with it.  Instead I’m more likely to donate to a cause that a friend is canvasing for or supporting.  Often the amount I’m willing to give surprises my friends.

At the end of it, I’m a little shorter of cash.  But I feel so much better about life when I get the thanks for donations.  I feel even better when I get to hear more direct results such as the ability to buy more food for a food drive.

I realize you can’t buy Karma.  I’m pretty sure any attempts to do so work in an inverse way.  That is not my intention… I’m really very selfish as I’m out for that feel good feeling I get.  Any actual good my donations allow is purely a by-product.

~RyeNCode~

I’ve given the following advice before:

You are not responsible for anyone Else’s happiness except for your own.

This was for a friend of mine who needed to take time for himself, give himself priority.  Thankfully I believe he has done this and the results are awesome.

Today I need to take a bit of my own advice.  I think the converse is true.

Your happiness cannot be the responsibility of anyone but yourself.

For me this means not waiting for someone else to make me happy. Not waiting for other people to make decisions that I want them to make.  I need to make the moves that bring me to what I want.  If what I want becomes unattainable… make it so that it is.  (Either by abandoning the previous want in favor of a new want, or by making the want attainable)

Its not easy to take responsibility.  It is very easy to say that X didn’t happen because Soandso didn’t play along;  Soandso made this mistake; Soandso was at fault.   Well what did I do?

No, not anymore.  Now it has to be X did happen becaus RYAN played along; because RYAN did things right; because RYAN made it happen.

~RyeNCode~