I’ve been fighting a funk feeling for most of the day. That feeling that I’m headed into a funk, a period of depression, not crippling, just nagging. Right at the moment I feel like I should be crying over something, but I don’t know what, and I don’t know why.
I suspect the increasing emptiness of the condo as we progressively move more and more stuff out into storage is a factor. There are a few other things going on that could also be contributing to my melancholy. Issues of unrequited… desire I’m sure don’t help.
I haven’t visited my parents for a while and I miss them very much. I had planned to visit them next weekend, but something came up and I might not get a chance to see them… maybe. I’m thinking right now that maybe I do need to visit the home-turf just to shed some mental cruft/kipple. A mini-vacation, get some coffee with long absent friends, reconnect with another perhaps.
Stop now before it’s too late
I’m eating in the ghetto on a hundred dollar plate
Nothing lasts forever that’s the way it’s gotta be
There’s a great black wave in the middle of the sea-Black Wave – Arcade Fire
This thought came to me today as I’ve just dealt with two charitable actions.
I’m not a volunteer by nature. Its not my style; I’m happy to let those who enjoy it, run with it. Instead I’m more likely to donate to a cause that a friend is canvasing for or supporting. Often the amount I’m willing to give surprises my friends.
At the end of it, I’m a little shorter of cash. But I feel so much better about life when I get the thanks for donations. I feel even better when I get to hear more direct results such as the ability to buy more food for a food drive.
I realize you can’t buy Karma. I’m pretty sure any attempts to do so work in an inverse way. That is not my intention… I’m really very selfish as I’m out for that feel good feeling I get. Any actual good my donations allow is purely a by-product.
I’ve given the following advice before:
You are not responsible for anyone Else’s happiness except for your own.
This was for a friend of mine who needed to take time for himself, give himself priority. Thankfully I believe he has done this and the results are awesome.
Today I need to take a bit of my own advice. I think the converse is true.
Your happiness cannot be the responsibility of anyone but yourself.
For me this means not waiting for someone else to make me happy. Not waiting for other people to make decisions that I want them to make. I need to make the moves that bring me to what I want. If what I want becomes unattainable… make it so that it is. (Either by abandoning the previous want in favor of a new want, or by making the want attainable)
Its not easy to take responsibility. It is very easy to say that X didn’t happen because Soandso didn’t play along; Soandso made this mistake; Soandso was at fault. Well what did I do?
No, not anymore. Now it has to be X did happen becaus RYAN played along; because RYAN did things right; because RYAN made it happen.
The above comic reminds us that as adults, we can play too.
“Because we are grownups now, and its our turn to decide what that means.”
So with me on the cusp of getting my own house… this leaves me wondering…. where do I get play-pen balls in bulk?
If I’ve had a chance to talk to you yet, you will know that I’ve pretty much bought a house. All that is left is securing the financing and getting the place inspected. It’s a good thing I have my ducks in a row so everything should go fairly smoothly.
I’m just now in the process of packing up my stuff and shoving it in storage. There is a gap of about 5 days between the possession date on the condo I’m leaving and the house I’m buying. This means that for about 5 days I’m homeless. I have had a few friends offer me lodgings during the transition phase prior to the sale of the condo and me buying this house. I hope they haven’t changed their minds!
My real estate agent will be dropping by in about a half hour so I can initial the final offer document. From there I send that off to my mortgage broker, and call up a highly recommended home inspector.
MY HOUSE! Casa de Ryan!
Sounds like the condo is sold. “* This is now a firm sale*” is what is written.
I can’t really express what a relief this is right now. I’m emotionally drained by this to the point of tears… good tears but tears none the less.
This represents a big step for me personally on my growth as a person.
Yep I’m single.
I’m not going to complain about being single or how hard it is to find that special gal. Instead I’m gonna talk about something that I miss that is related to being single.
I miss naughty talk. I miss talking dirty and suggestively with someone who just might not be teasing. I do like the teasing, but lets be clear: the teasing is most effective when there is the possibility of follow through.
I don’t profess to be a good dirty-talker. But I’m sure I’m not the worst. I enjoy that you can arouse your partner with words, eliciting a reaction by giving their imagination clues and direction. This cerebral stimulation can be lots of fun. There is a little more leeway in what is ‘acceptable’, you can experiment some and test the waters and that could lead to more exciting physical encounters.
As I mentioned earlier, there are times when gastric acrobatics can be caused by something seen, heard or read (or that was imagined to have been.) Today is more of the same, but from my own actions. Knowing my intentions are “The Best”, hoping my execution is acceptable. Now I wait for the result.
PS: Given my latest track record of my diabolical plans being thwarted by the fates… well, I’m crossing my fingers on this one.
My stomach just did a back flip…
Funny how misreading a word or phrase could elicit such a physical response. I had to go back and read it over again. What I thought I had read, wasn’t there. But that fear of I thought I had seen remains.