LightDeprived

Posts Tagged ‘Friends’

My nature walk and visit time with my friend /adopted* sister Shelly was great.  I feel 1,000,000 times better than I did yesterday.  And from the sounds of it so does Shelly.

She was able to take some great pictures of the environment there, and some of the 100 or so Elk we seen on the way there and back.  Also she took some pictures that were ruined by my being in them lol.

Thanks Shelly for going out to nature with me.

~RyeNCode~

* not really adopted, just she feels like a sister to me right now , which is pretty cool as I’m an only child.

… a drink

… a confidant

… a vacation

… a lay

… more time

… less stress

… the answers

I don’t have any of those right now.  Some might come later in the day, many won’t.  The one thing I want most is the answers, not for my questions but for my friends who need them more than me.  I wish I could give the answers to ease their minds and solve their woes.  I don’t have them to give.

Not being able to give as much as is needed, as much as I want to give seems to be a common theme for me right now.  It’s a difficult concept to convey properly.  It comes down to “It’s not you, It’s me”.

As much as I love my friends, there are things that I can’t do… not right now anyways.  I have my own demons to battle before anything else.

In the meantime, I ask my friends to be strong, and I try to be there for them.

Terrified of telephones and shopping mall,
and knives, and drowning in the pools of over lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony.
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.

Aside – The Weakerthans

~RyeNCode~

I’m going to see Muse & Silversun Pickups live here in the (nearby) city where I live.

I’m super excited, but not just for myself.  I’ve invited 3 of my favorite friends that I know will also greatly enjoy the show.  That is what makes me most excited.

I wouldn’t want to go if I couldn’t share it with people who are important to me.

I have a couple of extra tickets too for SOs or other people.  Aren’t I thoughtful?

~ RyeNCode ~

Everyone needs a listener.  Someone to talk to who listens.  Listens to you when you are happy and when you are sad.  Listens when you have nothing to say, or everything.  The listener is not there to judge, but will give opinions when asked or needed.  The listener is trusted to keep what is said private.  The listener might not agree but it is not their job to agree or disagree… but to listen.

I’m a listener.

This is not an easy role to play.  It sounds passive and uncomplicated.  People who have not listened could think that you just sit and hear words spoken… walk away when done.  But hearing is not listening.  Listening require understanding and empathy.  You must be able to imagine yourself in the speaker’s shoes, feel what they feel.  Their pain, their joy becomes yours.

This is an emotionally taxing role to play.  It is more so when you yourself have any kind of emotional investment in the speaker.  Friends, family, enemies, role models, ex-boy/girlfriends and crushes.  Trying to be more or less objective is near impossible.

Why do I do this?  It is because it is who I am.  For my friends I will be a listener.  I believe it enriches their lives to be able to speak freely, without fear of judgement.  It has a cathartic quality, getting things off your chest, speaking your thoughts out loud to someone can help you see a situation more clearly.  Echoing back what was said can clear up confusion and misunderstandings.  Truths you did not know that you knew become evident.

I also have listeners.  Not one, but many.  For reasons best left unsaid, I cannot fully confide in any one listener. So I have more than one. Across them, I can approach near full disclosure.  But the desire for a Full Listener there… the one you can and do tell everything to.

Keeping my eye out, and ears open.

~RyeNCode~

I’m not a happy man these days.

Actually right now, I’m rather angry.  I’m angry at a “friend” of mine.  This friend lied to me a while ago and the truth has been revealed to me.  Normally a lie between friends is not too much, some white lie to smooth over something not overly important.  This one, however, is no small lie.

This was a time of social unrest in our circle of friends.  Accusations were made, lines were drawn.  My friend had been accused of fornication with another friend’s female of desire.  I had asked my friend straight out: Did you do what you were accused of?  ”No” was his response. And I believed him. I defended him.  The Wronged man broke off contact. I haven’t hear from him since.  A childhood friendship was dissolved in the course of a week.

That was two years ago.  Two days ago, in conversation with some other friends, the truth came out.  I was lied to, and I defended a guilty man against a wronged man.  I feel sick.  I was lied to and I was used.

All I can say right now is, I’m glad that I have been on the path to distancing myself from this person for a time already.

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt.

~RyeNCode~

Yesterday I informed my flat-mate that I’m going to be looking to move out and get my own place.  I don’t feel that revelation was well received.

From his point of view I’m sure I appear to be abandoning our friendship, abandoning him.  Not quite the case, but I can I understand how he might feel that way.   We have been roomies for the last 5 years.  That is a long time.  I value his friendship, and want to keep that.  Part of keeping that friendship is one of the reasons why I need to move out on my own.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Living with a significant other there are compromises you agree to in order to maintain your relationship.  My flat-mate  isn’t an SO.  He is a friend.  This means the compromises made are to a much lesser degree.  Neither of us can be willing to submit to the will of the other to the same degree that SO’s would.  Its a matter of ego, pride, and self identity.

Over the last couple of years my own ego and self identity has strengthened.  Become more resistant to subjugation and more insistent on its own expression.  I think what has been building has been a silent battle of ego between my flat-mate and myself.  A cold-war if you will.

I have taken the first step of ending the battle by initiating retreat from the battlefield.  Co-habitation is not a long term winning strategy.  This stage of life has run its course.  Flogging a deceased equine as it it were.

Sadly I don’t expect my soon to be former flat-mate to be in agreement.  I expect his actions will be of a aggressive and hostile nature.  I have reason to suspect that he has already made up his mind to be a douche-bag and cause as much headache as possible.  I’ll be disappointed, but not entirely surprised by this.  It really does fit his behavior model however.

Lets hope for the following 1) minimal issues ‘getting out’ of the current place. 2) able to find a new place 3) friendship can be kept, even though changes must take place.

~RyeNCode~

There have been lots of times in my life where I have felt guilty.  I can say that many of these time It was justified.  I was guilty of something.  But not all.

Having been raised in a catholic environment, all be it not a strongly practicing one, the concept of guilt was ingrained by the religion of my society.   There was guilt before being born, in the act of being conceived even.  Growing up I learned to feel guilt for things I’m not guilty of.  Shedding myself of unearned guilt has been an ongoing process.  It is not nearly complete and may never be.

I don’t like feeling guilty.  If I could put a physical sensation to it, it would be like being having a stuffy nose, not being able to blow it, and then getting the chills.  Yet I allow myself to feel guilty for things that I should not feel guilty for.

But recently… due to a set of events, I have been prodded into feeling guilty for making friends, and for being a good friend.  This makes me sick.  This is the last thing anyone should feel guilty for.

Today I choose not to feel guilty for being a friend.

~RyeNCode~

I want to clear something up from last post.

I’m not planning in any way of giving up any of my friendships I have now.  I meant that I’m branching out.

My friends are my friends because I love them and I feel my life is greater for their parts in it.

~RyeNCode~

Waiting continues!

Actually I did hear back from Rachel.  She did not yet have a chance to talk with Trisha.  So I did ask Rachel if it would be weird if I were to contact Trish directly of if I would be ‘That creepy stalker guy’.  I don’t want to be that creepy guy!  Creepy guy is creepy…

No news back from the people looking over my dev. test.  Waiting continues.

I did have to contact Virgin Mobile last night.  A couple of weeks ago I ordered a new phone from them.  They said 3-4 business days for delivery.  Two weeks on I have yet to receive my new phone.  So I sent them a query as to what is going on.  My current phone is not keeping a battery charge for any useful amount of time and generally is worn out.

This weekend I’m off visiting Red Deer to see the folks, some friends and celebrate a friend’s birthday!  I’m looking forward to it, just not the drive.  Highway construction… sigh.

~RyeNCode~

– Update [2009-10-01 09:37] –
Ok, set a initial communication to Trisha.  Lets see what happens.  (hopes he didn’t just become that creepy guy)

The general state of suspense floating around my head this week is, while positive in nature, also a pain.  Two things of a most important nature occupy my brain meats.  One is of a professional nature, the other is a matter of the heart (and/or libido.)

I await results from an application for a new job.  I have submitted a test to hopefully show my worthiness to their firm.  It has been many days, and for this I hope to be rewarded.  I need a new work-situation badly.

I also am resisting temptation to harass an acquaintance of mine regarding a query to her friend related to a small crush I might have.  This conversation of theirs should have happened by now… and I am anxious to know what came up.  Only silence exists.  Do I ask how things went and risk seeming too eager? Or do I wait and play the ‘cool guy’?

For now I wait.  They say patience is a virtue.  So is determination.  Being passive about such things has been my modus operandi thus far.  See how well that has worked?  Here is a hint, it hasn’t.   It’s a method of risk avoidance that offers little in the way of possible success.

Resolution: After I finish this blog post I will contact the acquaintance to inquire as to the results… if any.

~RyeNCode~

– Update [2009-09-30 15:15] –
Still waiting for response…