… a drink
… a confidant
… a vacation
… a lay
… more time
… less stress
… the answers
I don’t have any of those right now. Some might come later in the day, many won’t. The one thing I want most is the answers, not for my questions but for my friends who need them more than me. I wish I could give the answers to ease their minds and solve their woes. I don’t have them to give.
Not being able to give as much as is needed, as much as I want to give seems to be a common theme for me right now. It’s a difficult concept to convey properly. It comes down to “It’s not you, It’s me”.
As much as I love my friends, there are things that I can’t do… not right now anyways. I have my own demons to battle before anything else.
In the meantime, I ask my friends to be strong, and I try to be there for them.
Terrified of telephones and shopping mall,
and knives, and drowning in the pools of over lives.
Rely a bit to heavily on alcohol and irony.
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.Aside – The Weakerthans
I’ve given the following advice before:
You are not responsible for anyone Else’s happiness except for your own.
This was for a friend of mine who needed to take time for himself, give himself priority. Thankfully I believe he has done this and the results are awesome.
Today I need to take a bit of my own advice. I think the converse is true.
Your happiness cannot be the responsibility of anyone but yourself.
For me this means not waiting for someone else to make me happy. Not waiting for other people to make decisions that I want them to make. I need to make the moves that bring me to what I want. If what I want becomes unattainable… make it so that it is. (Either by abandoning the previous want in favor of a new want, or by making the want attainable)
Its not easy to take responsibility. It is very easy to say that X didn’t happen because Soandso didn’t play along; Soandso made this mistake; Soandso was at fault. Well what did I do?
No, not anymore. Now it has to be X did happen becaus RYAN played along; because RYAN did things right; because RYAN made it happen.
This is a strange time of year for me. It seems to me that the major points of interest in my recent romantic history have taken place in the first couple of months of the year.
These events of the past have drastically shaped my present. Waking me up, stirring the pot just enough that brought desire back into my life. Teaching me that I can fall, entirely, totally in love (or was it lust) with someone. Showing me that I too can be loved (or lusted after.)
Those are the good things.
I’m also reminded that things that start out looking like they could never go wrong, often do. That a mistake, or rash action can ruin a good thing. That sometimes perseverance isn’t always the best course of action.
Through out all that, I’ve learned. Or I hope I have.
I confess that I’d been spoiled by you. From then on I have found no one that holds a candle to you. No one else that had me in rapture. Everyone else is, at best, a substitute for your memory.
Where are you now? Are you safe? Are you happy? Do you remember me at all? If you do, what emotions does my memory conjure?
I will never know these things. But I can answer them.
I’m where I was, but I’m not stationary. I’m safe as I can be. I can be happy, but I’m not whole. I remember you often. When I do, I try and feel happy for the times we had, but mostly I feel sad for the times we didn’t have a chance to have.
So I’ve been on an extended break from a specific for-pay matchmaking/dating website featured prominently in TV commercials and other marketing.
I have decided to return. However I do so under condition that I can re-take the initial personality profile questionnaire. This was granted by their customer support minions. My next step would be to re-take this quiz and re-make my visible profile, finally turning on matching again and see who pops up.
Here is some history of myself Vs. The Quiz. In round one, I took on the quiz solo. Me versus the quiz mono-a-mono. For all intents and purposes I failed. I wasn’t previously aware that one could fail a personality profile quiz, but as it turns out it is possible. In this case the results of the quiz placed me in a category that is not able to be serviced by this particular dating site. Their computer matching algorithms would be unable to satisfactorily match me with other people.
Round Two took place some time later. This time I followed in the footsteps of a friend and enlisted a female friend to assist me with the quiz. That is she asked me the questions and based on my answers and what she knew of me, skewed the responses one way of the other. This time the system allowed me access and granted me the opportunity to pay for computerized match-making.
Success from this point is a difficult thing to quantify. Overall success has not been achieved as I am currently not in a significant-other relationship or even potential SO relationship. There were one or two points along the path from there to here that were highlighted as short lived successes. Temporarily held highs of emotion and promise. Fleeting to be sure, but none the less memorable.
Now back to the present. Again I am faced with this quiz that decides how I am to be matched with potential mates. Or perhaps I will again be denied services. Do I choose to go it alone or to again enlist the knowing tweaking of a friendly female?
Yes.
Right now I feel as though I’m missing something. Something is lacking in my life, or maybe something that I should be aware of but am not. What is it? I have some theories: security in my financial matters, intimate relations, meaningful close companionship, a feeling of meaning. Who knows what else.
Am I complaining? No. Well ya, I guess I am. You know what they say: If you are unhappy with where you are, get off your ass. To be fair I am trying to change where I am in life.
I’m trying to find a new job. Admittedly not very hard. Momentum counts for objects at rest too. I’ve been at my job for a long time. I’m good at it. I’ve more or less learned to deal with the monumental amounts of bull shit. I’m paid OK. The drive to leave it and find something different is not strong enough. My search’s have been opportunistic, and half ass’d. Currently I have a lead in on another job but the ball is in their court and I’m stuck waiting.
I haven’t had an intimate encounter in a while. Ant it was a while before that. And even longer before that. You know you don’t get out much when you count the time between sexual events in multiples of years. I’m not frigid, just timid to start. Also for a long time I just didn’t respond to my own desires. Waking up to that again I’m in danger of jumping at the first opportunity that arrives, even if its not the healthy choice. That in and of itself is a self-limiter for me. I guess right now, finding someone to have trust with is the key.
I’m looking for that too. I’ve become better at dealing with the failures. That is the rejections, or worse. Before, I was too afraid to even try due to a paralyzing fear of the rejection. That fear is still there, but I’m more able to deal with it. It isn’t the end of the word. Just that opportunity. And even then, maybe not.
My friends are great. I love them dearly. But none of them can fill that role of being close. And I don’t mean in the sense of the above two paragraphs. In this case I mean close as in someone to hold. To fall asleep in their arms or you in theirs. That deeper companionship beyond just a physical, sexual encounter. This is the source of loneliness. I’m looking. Same as above as I would really like to find that closeness along with the sexual desire & willingness. What a great combination that would be huh?
As far as the sense of meaning to life? Well I’m on that path too. Being an atheist since childhood (and yes it was my own choice) had served me well. For the longest time the only options as far as spirituality that were apparent were your Catholic and Christian flavors, Islamic tradition, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and so on. Your major world religions. Such things as New age spiritualism and the pagan flavor of Wicca and Satanism etc. seemed like toy games given the people I knew who “followed” them.
A friend of mine told me about her husband. He was exploring a pagan structure of modern Druidism. For a long time this was a novelty to me. Having a friend that was a druid. Sounds kitsch, yes? Over time I found myself wondering what that meant, what following that path was like and in what way it affected the life of this man. Asking, I received some introductory materials to read. I was very simply floored by what I read. In many ways the core beliefs were those that I already held. Not so much in the spiritual way, but definitely in the the path is structured and the way in which it relates to the world.
On investigating further, I found that I wanted to try this path. It was a huge step for me, the atheist who has argued against religion and superstition in favor of hard science. What does it mean when that person looks to the spirit world with open eyes? I don’t know. All I can say is so far, I’m following this path of modern druidry and I like the results. I like me better for it. If that isn’t a step forward in personal meaning, I don’t know what is.
So as it seems, I do have empty spaces. But I’m trying to fill those, and hopefully not with a false fullness. Something need more work, some need to be left to run their course. I hope to see you along the way.
Waiting continues!
Actually I did hear back from Rachel. She did not yet have a chance to talk with Trisha. So I did ask Rachel if it would be weird if I were to contact Trish directly of if I would be ‘That creepy stalker guy’. I don’t want to be that creepy guy! Creepy guy is creepy…
No news back from the people looking over my dev. test. Waiting continues.
I did have to contact Virgin Mobile last night. A couple of weeks ago I ordered a new phone from them. They said 3-4 business days for delivery. Two weeks on I have yet to receive my new phone. So I sent them a query as to what is going on. My current phone is not keeping a battery charge for any useful amount of time and generally is worn out.
This weekend I’m off visiting Red Deer to see the folks, some friends and celebrate a friend’s birthday! I’m looking forward to it, just not the drive. Highway construction… sigh.
– Update [2009-10-01 09:37] –
Ok, set a initial communication to Trisha. Lets see what happens. (hopes he didn’t just become that creepy guy)
The general state of suspense floating around my head this week is, while positive in nature, also a pain. Two things of a most important nature occupy my brain meats. One is of a professional nature, the other is a matter of the heart (and/or libido.)
I await results from an application for a new job. I have submitted a test to hopefully show my worthiness to their firm. It has been many days, and for this I hope to be rewarded. I need a new work-situation badly.
I also am resisting temptation to harass an acquaintance of mine regarding a query to her friend related to a small crush I might have. This conversation of theirs should have happened by now… and I am anxious to know what came up. Only silence exists. Do I ask how things went and risk seeming too eager? Or do I wait and play the ‘cool guy’?
For now I wait. They say patience is a virtue. So is determination. Being passive about such things has been my modus operandi thus far. See how well that has worked? Here is a hint, it hasn’t. It’s a method of risk avoidance that offers little in the way of possible success.
Resolution: After I finish this blog post I will contact the acquaintance to inquire as to the results… if any.
– Update [2009-09-30 15:15] –
Still waiting for response…